Another piece I wrote in collaboration with an A.I., this time, trying to create the most stereotypical Hallmark movie plot possible. I failed. You are a young woman coming home from the city. You are … Read more

Too much A.I. generated story based on characters from Paper Computer Games: pcg.wikia.com. You are Balzac Globotron, an alien in space. You are looking for the Trance Gem, a crystal of incredible … Read more

More A.I. generated story based on characters from Paper Computer Games: pcg.wikia.com. You are Mortimer Von Fog Whistle, a ghost in your mansion. You are on a quest to scare off the family that has … Read more

A.I. generated story based on characters from Paper Computer Games: pcg.wikia.com. You are zoovac, a robotic clown in a stick, on earth. You are trying to take down the company, an evil corporation … Read more

I won’t lie: this is the darkest, horniest piece of A.I. assisted fiction I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen very little. It does have a happy ending, however. Some background. Starry … Read more

I’ve been writing(ish?) stories via aidungeon.io, a ML algorithm trained on text adventure games. The first was a fantasy, and this one is a detective story. It gets weird. You are Zorro, a … Read more

I’ve been writing(ish?) fiction via the fantastic aidungeon.io, which is a machine learning algorithm trained on text adventure games. You are Chris, a wizard living in the kingdom of Larion. … Read more

This is a piece I wrote for McSweeny’s that I didn’t think would get published, but wanted to go through the process regardless. As suspected, it was not published. Here it is, in all it’s rejected glory.

Cats have lived with humans for thousands of years, but their behavior can still be baffling. The best method for understanding cat personalities is the same as it is for humans: figuring out which lifeless rocks were in the sky when they were born.

Aries

Your Aries cat is energetic and headstrong, which is why he ruined your couch. Drawn to competition, he excels at interpersonal struggles, like stealing the neighbor cat’s food. He can appear selfish, but only because he has tunnel vision for his task at hand. That’s why he seems so disinterested in you when he’s staring at dust.

Tarus

Your Tarus cat is peaceful and non-combative, and other cats will beat the ever living Christ out of him. Trusty and reliable, he will always pee on the exact same spot on the carpet. Naturally seeking luxury, your cat would never make it on the street. In fact, all street Tarus cats are dead.

Gemini

Feeling a deep need to be with others, your Gemini cat will make a habit of barging in whenever you take a crap. A philosopher at heart, you will often see your cat gazing out the window, pondering life’s great questions. Questions such as, “Will I get to kill that bird?”

Cancer

Much like Vin Diesel, your Cancer cat is obsessed with family. Except only metaphorically; cats are really territorial. Have you ever seen two cats getting to know each other? It’s brutal. But somewhere in her heart, she thinks of them as family, even as she’s ripping off an ear.

Leo

The ur-cat, Leos do what cats do, but more. Lay around? Check. Eat? Check. Hunt your shins? Check and check. In addition, Leos are very courageous, and will barely run away from the vacuum.

Virgo

Don’t let the surface fool you - it may look like your Virgo cat is doing nothing, but rest assured, inside, her mind is alive with calculations and predictions. Yes, to you it looks like she has been asleep for upwards of three days, but inside, she just did your taxes. Trust me.

Libra

Your cat craves balance above all else; can’t have too much or too little, everything has to be just right. Dry or wet? Felt or feather toy? Petting or no? Whatever it is, you better get it God damn right.

Scorpio

Scorpio cats are not aggressive on their own, but are quick to violence if provoked. Like, if you look at them too long.

Sagittarius

The symbol of Sagittarius is the centaur - half human, half horse - but that’s for humans. The cat version is half cat, half shetland pony. The cat half is terrified of the pony half.

Capricorn

Driven by ambition, your Capricorn cat will stop at nothing to achieve things no cat has ever accomplished before. That’s why she keeps fighting the dog. One of these days, she’s going to win, so separating them is against the stars.

Aquarius

Generous and dedicated, Aquarius cats are the philanthropists of the feline world. This means they’ll think twice before stealing the neighbor cat’s food. They’ll still do it, but they’ll think about it first.

Pisces

The symbol of Pisces is a fish, and all Pisces cats won’t eat fish out of self respect, even though they love it. The only way to get your Pisces cat to eat fish is if she’s hungry.

“Just frame it like, ‘Let’s see how much I can fail.’” I was sitting at a window table in a lower east side dive with a small group of writers I had just met, questioning … Read more

It’s like if Humphrey Bogart and Tina Fey had a baby.
—Stephen Spielberg

Folks, it is my distinct pleasure, honor, and plonor¹ to announce the release of The Pulp Tales of Gwendolyn Gween, P.I., a scripted serial comedy podcast I wrote and created with my partner Daniel Contreras. In fact, not only is the show released, all six episodes in this season are out right now, so you can binge the whole thing.

However convincing the above has been in getting you to blindly subscribe to something on the internet, you may still have some questions.

What Is This Crap?

Rude, but I’ll allow it.

The Pulp Tales of Gwendolyn Gween, P.I. is a scripted comedy podcast. That means it’s not people talking about their re-watch of some 90’s sitcom, or discussions about something educational. While those are all awesome shows, The Pulp Tales of Gwendolyn Gween, P.I. is carefully written, and performed by talented actors, like a TV show, but for your ears.

The show is a pastiche of film noir set in New York City, and follows a junior detective, Gwen Gween, as she cracks cases and searches for her lost parents amidst a world gone mad. If that doesn’t sound exciting, then check your adrenal glands. If that doesn’t sound funny, then just listen for a few minutes and we’ll hopefully prove your doubting ass wrong.

This is a serialized show, so you need to listen to each episode in succession to understand the plot. That may sound like a lot more work, but you already do it for every HBO show and it really just means there’s jokes that reference other jokes.

Why Should I Care?

Because if you’re reading this, chances are, this show is for you.

If you like dark stories about a dark town told with a dark sense of humor and farts, you should subscribe. If you like word play, gun play, horse play, and ass play, you should subscribe. If you like finding out about something cool before everyone else does and then being really pompous about it when all your friends start talking about it two years later, you should subscribe. If you’ve read this far in this article, come on, you should subscribe.

Where Can I Get It?

So glad you asked!

You can find The Pulp Tales of Gwendolyn Gween, P.I. on iTunes/Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or where ever you listen to podcasts, and you can find all the links and more information at our website.

Also, you can follow us on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter, where we post a lot more pictures and videos about the show.

Finally, keep tabs on duncecap.nyc, our production company website, for more sweet stuff in the very near future.

Wrap It Up

I’m really proud of this show, and I think you’re really going to like it. If you do enjoy it, tell a friend. If you don’t, keep your yap shut.

Stay badass, and thanks!

If you like JavaScript this binding, and the comedy classic Who’s on First?, then is this the mashup for you! INT. OFFICE - DAY Two programmers, Phil and Mary, sit at their desks, typing. After … Read more

This is a little comic idea I came up with months ago for a Star Craft 2 cartoon contest Blizzard was running.

If you don’t know what Star Craft is, then you won’t get the joke…and even if you do know Star Craft, there’s a fair chance you won’t get the joke either. Needless to say the cartoon did not win, but it was a lot of fun to make. Pierre did the art, by the way (I can’t paint like that).

So I’ve been having random ideas for comic strips, mostly one-panel affairs, but some multi-panel concepts as well. Here’s my first attempt.