I’m pleading with the universe, for the love of of Christ, someone create a game called, “Funkboarder Jet-Thousand”

They may seem smart, but underneath it all computers are really dumb. You think your dog is dumb? Your computer wouldn’t know the first thing about licking its balls.

My family has no idea what any of my job titles mean. To them:

I’m 5’9” and weigh 120lbs soaking wet. Dry, I’m 5’2”.

The only thing we have to fear is FDR; his bites give you polio.

I have negative ass; when I sit down, people around me get more space.

You know when people say, “We can laugh about it now”? I had to learn not to laugh about it then.

Nothing makes you feel more like a tube then simultaneously being thirsty and having to pee.

Good cop: Tell us what you know, and we’ll get ice cream.

Bad cop: If you don’t talk, you’ll never eat ice cream again!

Weird cop: in clown suit I prefer sorbet.

First rule of over sharers anonymous—tell everyone.

Them: “Oh, you play in an Orchestra! That’s so cool”
Me: “Yeah, well, I play kazoo”
Them: “That’s still pretty cool”

New product idea: Glass Paper. It’s sand paper…from the future.

New website idea: Mustard seed Wikipedia, a Christian condiment reference, by the community.

New horror novel: Krampus Clamps a Close-pin, wherein the titular Christmas terror smells something bad. 800 pages, minimum.

Children’s book idea: Pimento Clementi Learns to Loofah, wherein the titular Pimento, a young, well-heeled boogie-boy, discovers exfoliation.

What do you call an anthropomorphic locomotive that loves Ska?
Thomas The Skank Engine 🥁

How many decades should you keep socks? Asking for a friend. Who will tell me. Because I’m the one who keeps their socks through six presidencies. 🧦 ♾️

With great powder comes great rash-squash-ability.

– Uncle Ben “Gold Bond” Parker

I am a ninja of space and time. Except I can only move forward in either one. That’s right, I can’t walk backwards.

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I have the “forgot clothes in public” dream so often, I don’t get embarrassed. “Oh crap, again? Alright guys, let’s power through this. “

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Never tell me the sky’s the limit when looking up cramps my neck.

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New game: Super Garlic Bros. It follows the adventures of Mario and Luigi’s breath. #nintendo #mariobros #videogames

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I want to do some hardcore Mr Ed fan fiction. 50 Shades of Hay.

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Research is underrated. I’d back that up, but…

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“You got a lotta nerves coming back here.” - slogan for a paranoia treatment center #iwish

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