Do you ever hear the word, “cantaloupe” and start attacking everyone in sight? Or is that just my trigger word? #manchuriancandidate

Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>

What if we make first contact with an alien, but it’s the equivalent of the elephant man on their planet? We’d never know.

Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>

There’s only 6,954 things I want out of life. Is that too much to ask? #simplelife

Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>

The Who, What, Where, Why, and When are important, but what about the Wash? There isn’t nearly enough journalism about laundry.

Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>

Bamboozle is probably my favorite word. It’s like a loud, sudden, boozle.

Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>

I want better conspiracy theories. Here’s one: The Illuminati hired aliens to fake the moon landing, enraging Big Foot to shoot JFK. #yes

Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>

A wolf in sheep’s clothing is not that bad. A wolf in clown clothing, now that’s the stuff of nightmares.

Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>

If you like scary movies, than you’ll LOVE looking in the mirror. #sickburns

Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>

Reading is transformative; without it, you couldn’t be smart while sitting on your ass. #truefacts

Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>

I’ve lived, loved, and lpvd, if we’re moving left to right on the keyboard. #keyboardjokes

Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>

Better Living Through Chemistry apparently doesn’t apply to meth.

Original post: twitter.com/chrisjohn…

Do you think every other hobbit was pissed that The Hobbit wasn’t about them? #lotr

Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>

If #gameofthrones got action figures, each would have to be a double pack with their corpse.

Original post: twitter.com/chrisjohn…

Julie Andrews says, just before shooting a Nazi, “You’re not one of my favorite things” #grittyreboot

Original post: twitter.com/chrisjohn…

The term “Banana Republic” makes me hungry.

Original post: twitter.com/chrisjohn…

Can you be happy, and not know it? #raffi

Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>

Eating only raw food is like saying you’re better than fire.

Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>

Shell collections are cool, unless it’s a pistachio shell collection. I had one of those. #why

Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>

When you’re hungry, everything looks like an enemy. #stomachfacts #hungargames

Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>

If the NYC heat today were a super villain, his powers of making everyone really pissed and tired would be unstoppable. #globalwarming #heat

Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>

Today we declare our independence from no fireworks. #July4th

Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>

I want a banana funeral; I figure, I’m already dead, why not cover the place in fruit?

Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>

I started drinking lots of tea, because everyone in new york needs a habit.

Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>

It’s Wormules! All the strength of Hercules, none of the limbs! Watch him try to be useful.

Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>

It’s been said before, so I won’t say it again.

Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>