You know what I think? Nah, me neither.
Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>
“We all shit in the same place now. Someone will have to get rid of it. Not it!” - Everyone except the first sanitation worker #quotes
Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>
Speed 3 should be about Keanue Reeves taking speed and constantly running, or else he’ll have to answer for being on speed. #movies
Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>
“I love soup! But I hate spoons.” - a sad, sad man #quotes
Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>
How much did Ralph vomit for his name to become a euphemism for it?
Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>
“I knew it!” - a conspiracy theorist, whenever anything happens #quotes
Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>
Why the shlong face?
—some dickhead #quotes
Original post: twitter
“Well, buckle my nuts!” - things I wish #DonKnots would say.
Original post on twitter
“To pee, or not to pee?” - a question never asked by a dog #petjokes #shakespear #groan
Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>
Do you ever hear the word, “cantaloupe” and start attacking everyone in sight? Or is that just my trigger word? #manchuriancandidate
Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>
What if we make first contact with an alien, but it’s the equivalent of the elephant man on their planet? We’d never know.
Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>
There’s only 6,954 things I want out of life. Is that too much to ask? #simplelife
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The Who, What, Where, Why, and When are important, but what about the Wash? There isn’t nearly enough journalism about laundry.
Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>
Bamboozle is probably my favorite word. It’s like a loud, sudden, boozle.
Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>
I want better conspiracy theories. Here’s one: The Illuminati hired aliens to fake the moon landing, enraging Big Foot to shoot JFK. #yes
Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>
A wolf in sheep’s clothing is not that bad. A wolf in clown clothing, now that’s the stuff of nightmares.
Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>
If you like scary movies, than you’ll LOVE looking in the mirror. #sickburns
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Reading is transformative; without it, you couldn’t be smart while sitting on your ass. #truefacts
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I’ve lived, loved, and lpvd, if we’re moving left to right on the keyboard. #keyboardjokes
Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>
Better Living Through Chemistry apparently doesn’t apply to meth.
Original post: twitter.com/chrisjohn…
Do you think every other hobbit was pissed that The Hobbit wasn’t about them? #lotr
Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>
If #gameofthrones got action figures, each would have to be a double pack with their corpse.
Original post: twitter.com/chrisjohn…
Julie Andrews says, just before shooting a Nazi, “You’re not one of my favorite things” #grittyreboot
Original post: twitter.com/chrisjohn…
The term “Banana Republic” makes me hungry.
Original post: twitter.com/chrisjohn…
Can you be happy, and not know it? #raffi
Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>