This is a piece I wrote for McSweeny’s that I didn’t think would get published, but wanted to go through the process regardless. As suspected, it was not published. Here it is, in all it’s rejected glory.
Cats have lived with humans for thousands of years, but their behavior can still be baffling. The best method for understanding cat personalities is the same as it is for humans: figuring out which lifeless rocks were in the sky when they were born.
Aries
Your Aries cat is energetic and headstrong, which is why he ruined your couch. Drawn to competition, he excels at interpersonal struggles, like stealing the neighbor cat’s food. He can appear selfish, but only because he has tunnel vision for his task at hand. That’s why he seems so disinterested in you when he’s staring at dust.
Tarus
Your Tarus cat is peaceful and non-combative, and other cats will beat the ever living Christ out of him. Trusty and reliable, he will always pee on the exact same spot on the carpet. Naturally seeking luxury, your cat would never make it on the street. In fact, all street Tarus cats are dead.
Gemini
Feeling a deep need to be with others, your Gemini cat will make a habit of barging in whenever you take a crap. A philosopher at heart, you will often see your cat gazing out the window, pondering life’s great questions. Questions such as, “Will I get to kill that bird?”
Cancer
Much like Vin Diesel, your Cancer cat is obsessed with family. Except only metaphorically; cats are really territorial. Have you ever seen two cats getting to know each other? It’s brutal. But somewhere in her heart, she thinks of them as family, even as she’s ripping off an ear.
Leo
The ur-cat, Leos do what cats do, but more. Lay around? Check. Eat? Check. Hunt your shins? Check and check. In addition, Leos are very courageous, and will barely run away from the vacuum.
Virgo
Don’t let the surface fool you - it may look like your Virgo cat is doing nothing, but rest assured, inside, her mind is alive with calculations and predictions. Yes, to you it looks like she has been asleep for upwards of three days, but inside, she just did your taxes. Trust me.
Libra
Your cat craves balance above all else; can’t have too much or too little, everything has to be just right. Dry or wet? Felt or feather toy? Petting or no? Whatever it is, you better get it God damn right.
Scorpio
Scorpio cats are not aggressive on their own, but are quick to violence if provoked. Like, if you look at them too long.
Sagittarius
The symbol of Sagittarius is the centaur - half human, half horse - but that’s for humans. The cat version is half cat, half shetland pony. The cat half is terrified of the pony half.
Capricorn
Driven by ambition, your Capricorn cat will stop at nothing to achieve things no cat has ever accomplished before. That’s why she keeps fighting the dog. One of these days, she’s going to win, so separating them is against the stars.
Aquarius
Generous and dedicated, Aquarius cats are the philanthropists of the feline world. This means they’ll think twice before stealing the neighbor cat’s food. They’ll still do it, but they’ll think about it first.
Pisces
The symbol of Pisces is a fish, and all Pisces cats won’t eat fish out of self respect, even though they love it. The only way to get your Pisces cat to eat fish is if she’s hungry.