Last week I challenged University President Stuart Rabinowitz to a duel. The rules were simple: no lasers, no cheating and no wimping out. I waited patiently at the designated place and time, yet Rabinowitz failed to show, thus breaking two of the agreed-upon rules. I’m sure he would have broken all three if it were possible to fight with lasers while cheating and chickening out. This could have been because I said the meeting place was at the quad, and apparently there’s more than one on campus (why didn’t anyone inform me of this?! I’m looking at you, editors). That, or maybe our president is a lily-livered, yellow-bellied, pants-wetting wiener. Whatever the case may be, I hereby decide that his conduct was dishonorable. As punishment, I shall ignore him for the rest of the column.
Have you ever wanted to be something, or someone, you’re not? Have you ever thought, “Oh, if I was only this other person or had these certain attributes, everything would work out for me”? Perhaps you imagine yourself as a famous actor, thinking, “Wow, if only I was Danny DeVito my life would be great!”
Personally, I’ve always wanted to be Native American. Why, you may ask? Because it’s badass. Think of the perks. You could walk to the front of any line in the country and if anyone gives you guff just say, “I was here first!” Guaranteed to work every time. Also, you can have a lot of fun with scalping puns outside concert venues. And by “a lot of fun” I mean “have a lot of people pissed at you.” If this happens, just scalp them (by which I mean sell them a ticket…to an Atlanta Braves game! The fans will do the rest).
Native American culture is also very rich, heavily emphasizing a symbiosis with nature which has been all but lost in today’s hyper-developed society. With all these benefits, there must be a catch, right? I mean, why wouldn’t you want to become Native American?
The truth is, there is no catch. The hard part is actually changing your ethnicity. Hard, yes, but impossible? Quite possibly. But I for one am not ready to give up. What is the most essential element of ethnic identity? That’s right, blood. If blood denotes brotherhood, motherhood, sisterhood and Hepatitis C, it can damn well denote ethnicity-hood. All the clichés about blood being thicker than water affirm that this is true.
So in light of this, I propose a startling new medical operation to swap the ethnicities of two people through blood transfusions. With said blood transfusions you could exchange blood with a person of the desired ethnicity; in this case a Native American. If your doctor had a high powered compressor you could transfer large quantities of blood at a time, making it possible to become as much as half Cherokee in a single visit! Of course, you’d have to find a full-blooded Cherokee willing to become half “Crazy blood-lusting whacko wannabe.” But this is in the future, my friends. This is a future where everyone can be whatever, and whomever they want (especially Danny DeVito), whenever they want (especially 10 years ago).
Critics may argue that this is nonsense. “Why can’t people just be satisfied with who they are?” they may ask, “Besides, the technology for blood transfusions is still decades away.”
Sometimes I think they’re right. Sometimes I think, “We’re all 99.9 percent the same genetic material, what’s the difference anyway?” Then I realize that that is just the Apes talking, who would have us believe that we share 98 percent of our genetics with them. Convincing us of this would enable them to infiltrate our society, posing as Rogaine test patients (or Robin Williams) and from there, take over the world giving them free reign to finally achieve their ultimate goal: sinking the Statue of Liberty into the beach.
I would be extremely mad at those damn dirty Apes if I didn’t want to be one so bad. Man, if I was a gorilla I’d kick Rabinowitz’s ass! Those dishonorable walls won’t hide you from my 12 pound fists, shorty!
And now I’ve broken my own ignoring rules. That’s okay, at least I didn’t wimp out.
As the person who wrote this, even I have to say this is really hard to follow. Plus, even more importantly, it’s not clear enough that I’m the butt of the joke with becoming Native American, and the whole thing is again just sweaty and gross. Why am I republishing these?