I was in NYC just a couple of days ago, wandering around midtown with two friends. To protect their identities, these two friends shale be here forth referred to as “Cheryl” and “Steve”. So we were hanging out and heading into Toys ‘R Us, when a man handed us a pamphlet for the church of Scientology. The text was as follows:
ORIENTATION, a Scientology® information film. Written by L. Ron Hubbard.
Find out for yourself, see the film. Come Today! Free admittance with this ticket.
We all liked movies, and things that are free, so we decided to go. Soon we found ourselves at 227 West 46th street, staring at a stylish brownstone with gold lettering proclaiming it’s nature; The church of Scientology. We milled around outside a little, debating whether or not to actually go in, but we somehow decided that it was, and we went through the revolving doors.
My first thought upon entering this holy site was, “Ah, air conditioning.”
The interior was tasteful, with something to the effect of marble floors and polished gold banisters. Also, on the walls in large letters were excerpts of their scripture. I didn’t read any of it.
A woman motioned us down a short flight of wide, tasteful steps upon seeing our “orientation tickets”. Once we had descended, we were again standing in front of a desk. A tastefully dressed woman greeted us in a tastefully sweet voice. She took us down a well lit passage, making small talk tastefully. It wasn’t much small talk, however, since the passage was short. She peaked in a door, then turned to us and apologized. The movie was playing in all their theaters, we would have to wait about fifteen minutes for the next showing. Apparently the fliers were working. Fifteen minutes, not a long time, but I was still waiting that period to see a Scientology movie. I needed things to do with my time. Either that, or I could call it an “experience” and write about it later.
Anyway, the woman told us to watch a flat panel on the wall, and left to perform her specific breed of science. The flat panels on the wall were really nice, the kind the museum of natural history uses to show pretty computer graphics of how dinosaurs evolved. Maybe Scientology would give us the same treatment? No, the screen pictured a young Indian girl running through an unnaturally bright field. The narrator asked if we had questions, then stated that we do.
“You are desperately searching for answers. Scientology has those answers.”
The narrator went on to talk about some shape (triangle?) associated with states of being, or walks of life, or sections of existence. Then he started talking about how emotional states of people can be directly represented by a number from one to four. For instance, “anger” might be a 2.3, but a “happy” might be a 3.5. We compared our GPA’s to the chart. Now I realize why parents really push their kids to get good grades; with a GPA of .005 not only are you expelled, you also experience “Body Death”, which is a fate worse than “regular” death for college kids.
In the interest of investigative journalism, I took this test. This consisted of following prompts on a video screen, and holding metal rods for half a minute. It felt just like those “shocking” carnival games, where they vibrate the handles you hold faster and faster until you can’t take it, and then it gives you a score. Only here, the rods didn’t vibrate. My score was just above “Soul Death”.
After the fifteen minutes where up, the woman behind the second desk told us the movie was ready, and motioned us back up the stairs, where the woman behind the first desk took over and brought us to the theater. The movie was still playing, however. She said it was almost done though. She waited with us.
“This is a great film. Written by L. Ron Hubbard himself. It changed my life for the better, a lot of better changes. I can still remember the first time I saw the movie many, many years ago. Many, many years ago.”
“How long ago was that?”
“Oh wow…” She thinks, mumbling softly, counting back.
“Three years” she said.
“Ah.”
The movie was ready. We walked in with an older man who didn’t talk and sat in the back. The movie started. The picture quality sucked, but there was surround sound.
The first shot, we are in space. Space rocks whiz past us with a roar. After a minute of this, we break free of the rocks and earth centers in our view. Triumphant music blares as the word “Orientation” materializes roughly around the equator. Apparently, this will be a very thorough orientation, starting with familiarizing the viewer with which planet they live on.
A man walks out of an archway of light and starts talking about Scientology, let’s call him, “The Man”, repeating how it has the answers to life’s persisting questions. Realizing we are all new to this Scientology thing, and figuring we would probably like to jump right into the meat of the faith, The Man narrates a series of pictures depicting the many Scientology headquarters.
“This is our building in LA. And the one in Oakland. Here’s our location in Vegas. This is our building in the deep south. This is our main building (ooh! Ahh!), and this is our cruise ship retreat, because L. Ron Hubbard sailed.”
After that, The Man told us we probably were asking ourselves if Scientology was a bona fide religion.
“Let me assure you, that Scientology is extremely bona fide, in fact it is more bona fide than any other religion.”
Different voice actors then proceeded to read various court rulings deciding that Scientology was a religion over an image of a waving American flag. The segment went on for at least five minutes. I seem to recall there was a shot of a gavel as well.
After the segment was over, The Man said, “A ton of courts said Scientology is a religion, including the supreme court. No other religion has won so many court cases, all of them in fact. So now that you’re convinced, let’s move on.”
He conveniently forgot to mention that no other religion had ever been called into question that many times, but let’s not hold that against him; as if I needed to remind you, the place had AC.
The Man takes us on a tour of different branches of the Scientology organization. First stop, an explanation of L. Ron Hubbard’s life. His first great accomplishment? He wrote dime novels in the thirties.
The Man proudly describes all the genres that Hubbard wrote in, ending with, “even romance,” chuckling falsely. Also, he sailed and wrote tons of Scientology books.
Then they mentioned Dianetics. Apparently, this practice frees your mind. It was also very threatening to the government. The government knew Dianetics worked, and they knew it would also counter their famous brainwashing program.
After this, The Man leads us to the L. Ron Hubbard book store. A perky woman is having an unheard conversation with a customer. The Man walks in and says “hi” to her. Immediately she turns, ignoring her previous customer, and addresses The Man.
“Hello!” She says with pep. “Tell me about all these books”
The Man motions to the vast library.
“All these where written by L. Ron Hubbard”
“All of them?”
“Yes, he did write a lot of books!”
Her laugh would give Gandhi diabetes. They jabber for a while.
Then, The Man says, “All this might seem a little daunting, so would you tell these good people,” he motions towards us, “which books to start with?”
“Of course!” She smiles like she’s selling toothpaste, and lists about ten book.
“These are good to start with, but you can also buy whatever you want, because eventually you’ll want to own them all”
There are over 200 books in total.
The Man went on to talk about some reincarnation stuff, maybe a hint of ancient aliens, and our obligations to the universe. The film was wrapping up. The Man made his final pitch.
You are at the threshold of your next trillion years. You will live it in shivering, agonizing darkness or you will live it triumphantly in the light. The choice is yours. If you wish to leave the room after seeing this film, walk out and never mention Scientology again, you are free to do so. It would be stupid, but you are free to do it. You can also dive off a bridge, or blow your brains out; that is your choice. It is your future.
As we were let out of the theater, I considered my options. My next trillion years sounded cold, what with all that shivering. Right now, however, the outside was sweltering.
I felt the cool AC on the back of my neck.