Doodle

Chris DeLuca's webbed site

A Hallmark Channel AI Christmas

Another piece I wrote in collaboration with an A.I., this time, trying to create the most stereotypical Hallmark movie plot possible. I failed.


You are a young woman coming home from the city. You are trapped in the North Pole with Santa and his elves. He tries to teach you the meaning of Christmas.

“Santa Claus, give me your heart!” he says. “Give me your love! Give me everything you have!”

But what can you do? You are powerless against this man who has taken over the world.

> You say “Christmas is so old fashioned. We don’t have time for that kind of nonsense in the big city. “

“Christmas is so old fashioned,” you say. “We don’t have time for that kind of nonsense in the big city.”

He looks at you as if he expected you to disagree, but instead you just shake your head.

> You pour a bucket of water on Santa’s feet, wait until it freezes, then kick him over with a big city laugh.

You pull out a flash bulb to take a picture of him, and flash it at him. You get the picture, but you also get a little too much water! He slips, and falls on the ground. The elves come out of their chimney.

> You say “Come eleven! Join me and the revolution ! Throw off your shackles! Down with Santa!"

“Come one! Come all!” you shout, “Join the revolution!” You point out the broken chimney, and the elves start come running out of their houses. “We need to teach these elitists a lesson!” you say. Mr.

> You call your country ex boyfriend from when you was a teenager, fight through your embarrassment, and ask if he could pick you up from the North Pole.

Mr. Scrooge’s face turns red from anger, and you begin sputtering an apology–but he speaks first.

> You say “I never should have dated you Scrooge! I feel like an idiot for going out with you for a whole year. You famously suck. “

Mr. Scrooge’s face turns red from anger, and you begin sputtering an apology–but he speaks first.

> You say “Spit it out Scrooge. Just say it!"

“I don’t want your apology. You’ve insulted me,” he says. “You are no' my employee, you are no' my… whatever the hell you are. Go back to the city. Go back to your petty revolution.

> You throw your phone into the snow in anger, rallying the elves to kick Santa’s ass.

“Go ahead, you can make me angry enough to fight. But not enough to laugh right now. Not this year.” You join the elves in laughing. You also join in when the other shoppers start taunting him as well.

> You say “I meant to say, santa, another reason you should be out of business is that you don’t even make the toys yourself anymore! You have a giant store in the North Pole! It’s a k mart. Ugh. “

Mr. Scrooge’s face turns red from anger, and you begin sputtering an apology–but he speaks first. “I don’t want your apology. You’ve insulted me,” he says.

> You say “Butt out of this Scrooge, this doesn’t concern you, as you made crystal clear. I thought I hung up on you. “

Mr. Scrooge’s face turns red from anger, and you begin sputtering an apology–but he speaks first. “I don’t want your apology. You’ve insulted me,” he says. You look at him and grunt. “Fine, I’m done.” Scrooge realizes the error of his ways and tries to win me back. He coughs and sputters a bit. “I’m sorry. I just… want what’s best for the world. I’m doing something about it.” You notice he leaves out what that is, but fortunately I fill in the blanks.

> You say “You want to make the world better by picking me up from the North Pole and ending this Santa business once and for all. “

“That would be correct,” he says. The elves cheer, and you stand up to hug him. “Seriously though, I want to make sure we’re on the same page. What is this plan you have again?

> You say “The plan is you come to the North Pole and drive me and the elves home. “

“Correct! My jet packs are ready, and I’ll fly us out of there!” You hug him again and the elves start making snowy Christmas decorations for your home. Mr. Scrooge hands you a large bag, which you open. It’s full of presents.

> You open a present.

You open the wrapping paper to reveal an elegant, pink, necklessl necklace. You put it on and smile. The gift-giver must have great taste.

> You say “I’m so happy. Scrooge you saved my heart and you saved Christmas by ending Santa. “

“I didn’t end him, you did by laughing. The spirit of Christmas lives on each time someone laughs.” You laugh a bit, and Scrooge smiles. “That’s why I’m giving the bag of presents to you,” he says. “You saved Christmas.”